he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
