Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
organizing the empties. That sober.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
