Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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