Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
