you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
