just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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