i just had sex bonerless
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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