he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize