I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
