you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
