we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
