Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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