This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
