At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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