This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
