in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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