Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
