God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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