Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they're like a gay fantastic four
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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