thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
