Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
