It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
