Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
