i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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