Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
