Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
