he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
