You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
