I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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