I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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