My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
