i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
