i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just invented taco cereal.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize