No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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