Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
