Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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