The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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