We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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