There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
