I wish my penis had an off switch
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
