Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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