shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
