I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
