I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
