Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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