He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
