i jhust puked up my retainher.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
