i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
