you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
