I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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