remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
