So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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