so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
