When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
