i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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