I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
