I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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