if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
