a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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